The two kinds of creative perfectionists
How perfectionism manifests in creatives and tips for embracing imperfection.
I am an avoidant perfectionist.
I am a magpie, drawn to shine and glitter, only to discover that all that glitters is not gold. Rather, it’s the silver innards of a crisp packet, the dull glint of a ring-pull, the bright translucence of a broken bottle.
I am drawn to useless things, in short. Junk that distracts and pretends to soothe so that I can avoid the uncomfortability of failure. Instead of working on my novel, I scroll blindly through Twitter. Instead of writing this newsletter, I read someone else’s wonderful Substack and sigh wistfully in the hopes I might, one day, when I have the courage, write something just as good. It is far safer, at the end of the day, to not try than to risk failure with your wasted efforts.
However, you might be reading this description of my perfectionist habits and thinking, “Er, no, that’s not what perfectionism is! Perfectionism is working yourself to the bone, it’s sleepless nights agonising over your work, your masterpiece. It’s banging your head against the wall whilst you try to get the perfect job done. It’s never, ever giving up.”
And you would also be right! In fact, psychology defines three types of perfectionists:
Socially-prescribed perfectionists - feel pressured by society and a fear of rejection to be the best.
Other-oriented perfectionists - hold others, rather than themselves, to exceedingly high standards.
Self-oriented perfectionists - the least toxic of perfectionists, they have high standards but are usually also high-achievers.
However, I’ve often found these descriptions of perfectionists don’t quite fit with my experience, particularly when it comes to creatives. Amongst writers and artists, it seems we tend to be socially-prescribed or self-oriented perfectionists, but both of these descriptions lack nuance. For example, we can’t assume high-achievers are necessarily content or flourishing. They may instead be desperately treading water.
It wasn’t until we began to look at attachment theory in therapist training that I realised what was missing with these perfectionist definitions.
I won’t go into attachment theory much here, but in a nutshell, we tend to relate - attach ourselves - to others in one of three main ways, influenced by how we were raised: anxiously, avoidantly or securely. Those with an anxious attachment style will likely latch on like a limpet to others, requiring reassurance and coming across as needy. Those with an avoidant attachment style, however, are likely to come across as cold or detached, and even actively push others away.
That’s an extremely simplified look at attachment theory, but the descriptions of those two maladaptive attachment styles - anxious and avoidant - map perfectly onto my experience of perfectionism.
Creative perfectionists often exhibit perfectionism in one of two ways - anxiously or avoidantly. They either fret non-stop about getting something right, or they quickly feel overwhelmed by the prospect of failure and shut themselves away.
Now, full disclosure, this is not any kind of official theory, just my observations, but as I discuss later in this piece, sometimes naming or labelling something can be the start of managing it.
The Avoidant Perfectionist
As mentioned, the avoidant perfectionist procrastinates. They have the crippling fear that the work they produce will not be perfect, and as they cannot bear anything less than perfection, they feel it’s safer either to not do the work in the first place, or to give up at the first sign of imperfection. If it’s not finished, it’s not perfect, but that’s okay because we didn’t try to make it perfect - we gave up before we were confronted with our limits.
The Anxious Perfectionist
The anxious perfectionist is the one who doesn’t know when to stop, who doesn’t know the meaning of ‘finished’. There is always more to do, always improvements to be made. Perfection is reachable, maybe, with enough hard work, and they won’t give up until they get there. They will burn out before they risk settling for imperfection.
The real distinction
The root of the problem for both types of creative perfectionists is a fear of imperfection, a fear of failure, yet their tactics for handling this fear are wildly different.
However, to me, the distinction between these two types of perfectionists is not in how they avoid imperfection, but in how they view perfection.
Avoidant perfectionists know, deep down, that perfection does not exist, yet they cannot bear that reality. Anxious perfectionists, on the other hand, believe perfection does exist, but it is an elusive, slippery, coveted thing.
Avoidant perfectionists likely have low self-esteem or are chronic worriers, and so they do not think they have ever achieved, or ever will achieve, perfection. Anxious perfectionists have likely glimpsed what they thought to be perfection in themselves or others, like a magpie’s shiny treasure, and they want it for themselves.
So, what do we do about it?
That’s the tricky question, isn’t it? I think, once you’ve identified what form your creative perfectionism takes, the next step is to get to the root of your perfectionism in general. Is it low self-esteem? Is it anxiety? Is it the result of something a trusted adult or a friend once said to you? Is it the result of past rejection? Is it a need to impress or please others? Is it because your self-worth is tied up with what you create?
Like with a lot of things, I don’t think we can start to overcome any of our problems until we understand them. It’s like addressing the symptoms of an illness but not the illness’ cause. We can slug as much cough syrup as we like, but that cough won’t get better until we stop smoking.
Once the cause has been identified, only then can we address our perfectionism. And I say ‘address’ lightly here, because I’m aware pummelling our perfectionism into submission may just become another form of perfectionism itself. It may be as simple as accepting your perfectionism and being kinder to yourself, and I do think that’s part of working on perfectionism no matter what - you’d be amazed how far a little bit of self-acceptance can go.
Maybe it’s about unpicking harmful things you do or say, like working when ill or berating yourself. Maybe it’s taking baby steps in pursuit of your shiny idea instead of chasing shiny junk. Maybe it’s about learning to be content with ‘good enough’.
For me, the four steps that have helped me with embracing anti-perfectionism have been:
Name it - what kind of perfectionist are you?
Identify it - why are you a perfectionist?
Accept it - denying or ignoring it won’t make it go away.
Work on it - this starts with noticing - we can’t fix a problem or flawed thinking if we can’t spot when we’re indulging it - followed by sitting with it.
This final step is one of the most important, and the main approach that’s helping me manage my perfectionism in the moment. It will be uncomfortable. You will read that terrible sentence or cringe at that awful sketch, but sitting with that uncomfortability is where a lot of the work happens. We realise that imperfection won’t kill us - it won’t even harm us. And we realise that it doesn’t define us either.
I am getting better now at pursuing the glitter trail of the shiny idea, rather than the brighter, immediate shine of distraction. That doesn’t mean we can’t go and scroll through social media or read a book instead when the going gets tough or we need a break, but if we only focus on those pursuits, we’ll end up with a pile of bottle caps and screws rather than a mountain of gold, pieced together coin by coin.
I’d love to hear from you about how perfectionism manifests for you and what kind of perfectionist you are. Name it, accept it and work on it in the comments! And if you’ve enjoyed this post, hitting that ‘like’ button is a great way to let me know my work resonates with you.